Hi blog readers! (I don't even know how many of you there are! but Hi!)
For those of you that don't know, Jordan and I were told in December that having children was going to be more difficult for us than we first thought. We had been trying for almost 2 years, and we weren't seeing results so we decided to get some tests done. These tests told us what both of us didn't want to hear. This journey was going to be a lot more difficult than we anticipated.
Having babies is something you always figure your body just knows how to do. I assumed it would just...work. It should, right? But as we have discovered, that isn't always the case. When we first found out, it was very very hard. Jordan took a week off work and we took time with each other to start to work through this roadblock that we had come to.
Since we got married, I would have tiny emotional breakdowns if I found out one of my friends was pregnant. Unfortunately, at the age we are at (and the fact that we were at bible college) meant that I was hearing about another friend or two every month that were pregnant. I would cry for about half an hour and then I would think "don't worry, it will happen someday." This doesn't mean I wasn't happy for my friends at all. It's a weird mixture of emotions.
Since we found out about our difficulties, it's taken on a whole new meaning when I find out someone close to me is having a baby. Now it's "am I ever going to be pregnant?" "will this ever happen for us?." I found myself seeing young girls on the street with babies thinking "why does she get to have a baby?" or "I would probably be a better mom than her...". Every pregnant belly I saw screamed "this will never be you." These are poisonous thoughts that I still have to battle day to day.
We found out recently that we are going to be Aunt/Uncle to a lovely baby born this September to my Sister and brother in law. We are so excited for them, but I feel terrible about how I initially reacted. They told us over Skype (because they were in New Zealand at the time) and I immediately had to leave the room. As I mentioned before, feeling this odd combination of extreme joy and also extreme sadness and grief at the same time is/was very confusing. It was hard for me at first, but that sadness has gradually turned into complete joy and excitement for them!
I know Jordan and I have our options. Although we will probably never be able to afford in-vitro treatment, there is always adoption through the foster care system and other options as well (IUI etc). Also, who's to say it won't randomly happen one day? Right now, I am loving our time together and I have faith that a baby will come around when the time is right, whether it come from me and Jordan or from other means (I won't steal babies, I promise)
It still does get hard from time to time, thinking about everything, so if you could keep Jordan and I in your prayers, that would be amazing and we are very thankful.
xoxo
